Death is inevitable and if there is one thing I have learned through the grieving process is that a lot of people are extremely uncomfortable after learning that your spouse has died. Why this is, I am not sure. Probably because if there is no personal reference point, it is difficult to relate and people are both uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, yet still want to comfort you.
Things people said to me:
Don’t worry, you are young and still attractive, you will have no problem finding someone else. This was a coworker and then they tried to give me some sort of hug. I stepped away.
Someone at Mike’s visitation talked to me about their own happy marriage to their spouse of 38 years and said it was sad Mike and I were only married 25 years.
Someone asked me about 6 months after Mike died and didn’t know, “Are you still married?” Ok, that was just an odd question anyway, but still…my response, “No I am not. Mike died 6 months ago.”
Another co worker told me, in front of other coworkers, that maybe my 3rd husband will be wealthy. Implying that Mike was not wealthy and if I get married again that spouse will not be so maybe I can keep marrying “up” as they say. Still, this is a head scratcher, and she thought this was a joke.
A family member spent ½ hour or more on the phone telling me that I will be taken advantage of by men now that I am a widow. It was unclear how or why that would happen.
Someone told me they understood my grief pain because their dad died too.
Another person told me their tragic back story and said now I should feel better and see bad things happen to everyone and what happened to them was worse.
There are other things people said to me, but I will not list them here. What I did do was write them all in my journal so that I can go back and re read them sometimes. Why? For me personally, it is so I don’t forget and I can see how far I have come. It is OK if you can’t or don’t want to do that. Or maybe, no one has said anything ridiculously obnoxious to you. I hope they didn’t.
Here Are Some Strategies To Help:
- Recognize that people often don’t know how to react: Many people say things without understanding the weight of their words, and sometimes they’re just trying to comfort, even if it doesn’t come out right. Some people are mean, but many are kind, most don’t know what to say.
- Set Boundaries: If someone consistently says things that upset you, it’s okay to be firm but kind and let them know that it’s not helpful. Practice in a mirror or with a good friend saying things such as, “I’m not ready to talk about that”, or “That’s not helpful to me right now.” You do not have to participate in uncomfortable conversations. This admittedly can be difficult to do, but can be a very important tool in your tool box. Most people will back off.
- Try not to engage AKA Pick your battles: If it’s not worth your emotional energy, letting it roll off can sometimes be the best choice. A lot of times, I just internally rolled my eyes and thought to myself, “This person has no idea,” and I went on with my life and tried to avoid them for a while or permanently if they were just acquaintances.
- Talk to someone who gets it: Find people who understand your grief, whether that’s friends, family, or a support group. Surrounding yourself with those who listen without judgment can help provide comfort and perspective. My grief support group empathized with me and helped me process some of these comments. We even used humor and that led to some good discussion about strategies others used to diffuse some insensitive comments made to them about their grieving process.
- Let yourself feel what you feel: Your grief is unique to you, and it’s okay to feel however you feel. It’s OK to acknowledge that what someone said hurt you. You don’t have to pretend nothing bothers you.
Be kind to yourself. The first part and initial phase of grief is especially difficult. You are working hard trying to make sense of a world that has changed in an instant. When someone says something inconsiderate, give yourself permission to get upset, but also try and protect yourself and your emotions. You have a lot going on right now. Decide who and what you want to spend your energy on.
You got this. Try not to let some people’s dumb comments get you down.