Although the death of your loved one may seem difficult to overcome, over time it will become clear that grief is not a place to stay and eventually you will feel the need to move forward. You will learn that the journey from grief to acceptance and adjustment becomes an essential part of healing. But how can you learn to live with this absence, and how do you make adjustments in your daily life?
The Struggle Between Holding On and Letting Go
Grief often brings with it an emotional tug-of-war between wanting to hold on tightly to the memory of your spouse and the need to find a way to let go, even if just a little. The love you shared and the life you built together are irreplaceable, and it’s natural to fear that moving forward means losing the connection you had. But in reality, holding on doesn’t always mean staying stuck in the past—it can also mean finding new ways to carry your spouse with you as you continue your journey forward.
The Fear of Letting Go
One of the greatest emotional struggles after the death of your loved one is the fear that, by moving forward, you may somehow forget your spouse or dishonor their memory. The thought of letting go can feel like betrayal to your spouse and you may feel guilty moving forward, as if you are leaving them behind. The truth is, healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means finding ways to integrate the love you shared into a new chapter of your life. Your spouse will always have a place in your heart, and no amount of change can take that away.
The Importance of Acceptance
When navigating life after loss, one of the most profound challenges is finding a sense of acceptance that your loved one has died. While it may seem impossible, undesirable or overwhelming at first, acceptance is not about forgetting or “getting over” the loss. Rather, it’s about acknowledging the reality of the situation and finding a way to integrate this new reality into your life moving forward. This doesn’t erase the pain, but it does create space for healing.
What Acceptance Really Means
Acceptance is the process of coming to terms with the reality of your loss. It doesn’t mean you’re “okay” with it or that you’ve moved on. It’s about allowing yourself to fully experience your grief, acknowledging your pain, and understanding that life will never be the same. Acceptance involves understanding that the person is gone, and the world has changed as a result.
Many people resist this idea, hoping that time will magically erase the pain or that one day they will wake up and “feel normal” again. But true acceptance means shifting your perspective: recognizing that life may have changed in a way you didn’t choose, but that doesn’t mean it can’t still be meaningful. It’s about learning to live with the loss, not in spite of it. After 25 years of marriage to Mike this acceptance of having to learn a new way to live was challenging, but I knew I had to do it because he would not want me to be miserable all of the time and he would want me to carry his love forward into my future. His love sustained and strengthened me and still does as I walk forward through my new life.
Grief and Acceptance Are Not the Same Thing
It’s important for you to know that acceptance doesn’t happen immediately after a loss. Grief is often a long process that involves navigating various emotions such as sadness, anger and confusion before reaching a place where acceptance feels possible.
In short, acceptance is not about forgetting your person. It’s about finding a way to continue on with life while carrying the loss and memories with you, instead of letting it define your every moment. This kind of acceptance can offer freedom from the emotional weight of grief and allow you to rebuild your life in a way that feels authentic to you. It takes a long time and many small steps forward, but part of this is not remembering continuously the circumstances surrounding the death of your loved one, but starting to remember happy memories of your life with them.
Why Acceptance is Crucial for Healing
Without acceptance, grief can become a burden that weighs on you indefinitely. Prolonged resistance to the loss can lead to depression, anxiety, and a sense of being stuck in an unending cycle of sorrow. Accepting the loss, however, allows you to reframe your grief as something you can learn from and live with. It creates room for healing and eventual growth.
By accepting your loss, you begin to see your life with a new perspective. A life full of new possibilities. While you did not have control over the events that caused the death of your loved one, you do have control over how you choose to move forward. In doing so, you take the first steps toward emotional resilience and, ultimately, peace.
Finding Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t happen overnight, and it can feel impossible at times. Here are some ways to move towards acceptance:
- Acknowledge Your Loss: The first step is to allow yourself to fully feel and process your loss. Ignoring or suppressing the pain will only make it harder to heal. This also may cause health problems such as high blood pressure. Cry when you need to, talk to others, or write down your thoughts and feelings.
- Give Yourself Permission to Heal: Grief is a journey, and it takes time. There is no deadline for when you should feel “better.” It’s important to remind yourself that healing is not a straight line following a specific formula. You may feel like you have moved one step forward one day and then the next day a memory may cause you to take two steps back. Be kind and patient with yourself during this process.
- Honor Their Memory: Keep the memory of the person alive in a way that feels meaningful to you. Whether it’s through a ritual or an annual event, find ways to celebrate their life and keep them close in your heart. If your loved one died of a specific illness, sometimes there are walks in the community every year. For example, there are walks to end Alzheimer’s Disease in many communities. Or even walks to end certain types of cancer. Many families participate in these walks to help remember their loved ones. These can bring a sense of comfort and connection as you navigate your own journey.
- Seek Support: It’s easy to feel isolated after a loss, but you don’t have to go through this alone. Lean on family and friends who can offer emotional support. Talking to a grief counselor or joining a support group can also be very helpful in dealing with the complexities of grief.
Moving Forward
While the pain of loss may never fully disappear, it becomes part of who you are. Accepting that your life will never be the same is difficult but necessary in finding peace. Over time, you will discover that grief doesn’t completely define you. You still have a life to live, and it’s possible to find joy and fulfillment again.
Through acceptance and adjustment, you will learn to navigate the delicate balance between honoring your grief and moving forward. You may not be able to change the past, but by making adjustments in your life, you can create new chapters that honor both your past and your future. Your journey of healing is uniquely your own, and it’s important to take it one step at a time.
Remember, it’s not about forgetting the person who died, it’s about learning to carry their memory with you while continuing to live a life that is meaningful and full of love.
Finding New Joy and Purpose
As you adjust to life without your spouse, it’s important to recognize that joy is still possible. This doesn’t mean rushing to fill the void or pretending everything is fine, but allowing yourself to find moments of happiness when they come. The first laugh, the first experience of peace, the first moment where you feel truly present again—these moments, though small, are profound. They are signs that healing is taking place.
Gradually, you may even find new ways to honor your spouse’s memory by creating new traditions or engaging in activities that bring a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Whether it’s volunteering, traveling, pursuing a dream, or simply spending time with loved ones, your life will continue to have meaning. The future, though different from what you imagined, will be full of opportunities to find new joys, build new relationships, and make a lasting impact on the world around you.
Allowing Yourself to Move Forward
I feel as though acceptance is difficult. It is still something I struggle with everyday years out from the death of Mike. However, I have created a new life. One that I think Mike would be proud of and one that I am proud of.
You can adjust to your new life too. Give yourself all of the time that you need, it will be waiting for you.