One of the first terms I learned when I started my counseling after Mike died was the concept of “Grief Work.”
It took me a long time to understand what this term meant. On the surface, I thought wow, I am working hard at life now. Everything is so different. Over time, I came to realize that was not what “Grief Work” truly was.
What is grief work?
Simply put, grief work is learning to deal with and process your grief after the death of your loved one.
It is learning to create a new life after losing your spouse or loved one, no matter the relationship. It is also learning how to integrate grief as part of your life.
After the death of a loved one, especially a spouse or a person you had an intimate relationship with, you have a large hole inside of you. The hole never goes away and scar tissue grows around this hole as you learn to adapt to the loss. I refer to it as I have a Mike shaped hole inside of me. This hole will never be filled in, instead like any open wound that heals, scar tissue is forming around it. Sometimes the scar tissue hurts and sometimes it doesn’t hurt as much, but it is always there and will be as long as I live.
Grief work involves actively working through the pain, sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion and a multitude of other emotions that come with loss in order to heal and adapt to life without the person that has died.
Grief work can include things such as:
- Emotional expression: Allowing yourself to feel and express sadness, anger, guilt, or any other emotions that arise. This is sometimes difficult in our Western Society. We are encouraged to walk off pain, get over it or even have a “stiff upper lip” and get on with things. However, acknowledging and processing emotions is very important. Especially for health. Bottled up emotions can cause unintended health issues such as high blood pressure.
- Acceptance and adjustment: Learning to live with the absence of the person and making adjustments in daily life.
- Reflection and meaning-making: Finding ways to make sense of the loss or creating new meanings in life after the loss.
- Seeking support: Talking with others who understand or seeking professional help through therapy or counseling.
Grief is never a linear process, and people experience grief in many different ways and timelines. Grief work is learning how to integrate the death of your loved one into your life and eventually finding a sense of peace, although the loss is never fully “fixed.”
I plan to write further articles explaining each grief work point made in this introduction.
Grief work is not an easy process. It takes a lot of self-reflection and you may even uncover things about yourself you did not know where there. However, keep going and hold on. You can weather these storms you are going through and feeling. You can learn to live a new life and move forward.