Here is one of the key secrets of grief, you never get over the death of your spouse, the journey of grief is to learn how to live the rest of your life without them.

It is very difficult to describe the very first states of grieving a spouse to someone.  The unique relationship you had with your loved one very much impacts how you feel after they have died.  Every relationship is different and every person is different.  Also, how your spouse died, suddenly or after a long illness, also impacts grief.

If your spouse died suddenly it is very normal to feel as though there was not enough time to say everything you wanted to say to them.  You may also feel guilt.  When Mike died suddenly, I wracked my brain wondering how I missed he was having a heart attack.  I now understand that Mike also did not recognize his pain was from his heart.  He just thought it was more back pain since he had years of chronic back pain and the pain he was feeling was his usual pain.  I still feel guilt that that I missed it and I wonder if that guilt, although less over time, will ever go away completely.

Following are some emotions that are normal for you to feel.  Sometimes you may feel several all at one.

• Sadness
• Anger
• Guilt
• Lost
• Lonely
• Confused
• Fear
• Frustration
• Overwhelmed
• Shock
• Numbness

If your spouse died after an extended illness, you may feel relief as well as sadness.  The relief is because they are no longer in pain or suffering.  You may also be feeling the relief of not having to constantly worry about their well being.  Or the relief of not having the stress of physically caregiving for them.  You may feel guilt for having these feelings of relief, but all these mixed emotions are part of the grieving process, even if there are some emotions you never want to admit you have felt.

Your emotions are your own and you have every right to feel them as long as necessary.  So many people will have an opinion on how you are grieving and how to “move on” from your loss.  Try to ignore their opinions and always trust you.  Grieve for as long as you need in your own unique way.

What are some emotions you are feeling or have felt?